May 22, 2006
Who Do *WE* Think We Are?
Follower James writes:
What I believe is that you guys are a no good piece of waste. Quit trying to fool people into "channeling their funds" to your bank accounts. Who the hell do you think you are? Don't you think what your doing is bullshit? Can you not think of better ways to spend these precious moments than trying to scam people out of their hard-earned dollar? Now if I am wrong, please reply and enlighten me as to what you folks are.
These are all important questions James - even the parts of your email that are statements are important questions. Let's go through your email and see what we can do to help you understand the spiritual path that you have chosen, and how Shirna is going to help you down that path.
What I believe is that you guys are a no good piece of waste
Excellent James! Believing something, anything, is the first step on the long (and potentially cripplingly expensive) path to enlightment. While your statement is sufficient to gain you entry into Shinra, feel free to elaborate. What sort of waste do you believe us to be? Are you saying that all life on Earth may be the result of an alien spacecraft emptying it's lavatory tanks while surveying the Earth over 4 billion years ago? Or are you just saying that it's those of us in Shinra that have this superior Alien heritage? Maybe you are just saying when God created Adam that wasn't clay he was using, if you follow me. Any of these are great beliefs, and we would be happy to help you believe them, or anything else that you want.
Quit trying to fool people into "channeling their funds" to your bank accounts
James, we aren't trying to fool anybody into doing anything. At Shinra we believe that you must fool youself into doing it - otherwise we wouldn't be any different from any other snake-oil peddling religion.
Don't you think what your doing is bullshit?
Do you think that what we are doing is bullshit James? Because if you do/don't, then we will do everything in our power to prove that we are/aren't. We are here to support your spiritual growth, not to line our pockets; that's just an unintended, but unavoidable side effect.
Can you not think of better ways to spend these precious moments than trying to scam people out of their hard-earned dollar?
Of course we can James. Here at The Compound only a fraction of our resources are devoted to scamming people out of their hard earned dollars. Much, much more time is devoted to doing the Cult Leader's laundry. You would be amazed at both how dirty those robes can get, and how spotless they can become after a through cleaning. Hey! There's probably some sort of metaphor in there about souls or something!
Now if I am wrong, please reply and enlighten me as to what you folks are.
We would love to enlighten you about what we folks are James, but first we need you to look deep inside yourself (and your pockets) and tell us what we are (and how much money is in those pockets). After you tell us, then we can tell you - over and over until you believe it.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 15, 2006
Where does Rob live?
Follower Chris, or maybe his alternate disassociated personality "Erek" asks "Where is Follower Rob?"
Chris/Erek - Rob like all of my followers, lives bathed in the light of truth. While his meat-shell may be located in the United Kingdom, that is irrelevant. What matters is that he believes in the power of yeast, and that because of that belief, and his willingness to express it, despite the left's current war on yeast, means that he lives in a very special and holy place.
I will do everything imaginable, and several things that are best left unimagined, in order to make sure that his belief in the power of yeast remains unshakable, not matter how many ACLU law suits attempt to remove monuments to Beer from courthouses, or how long protesters block the Red Star yeast factory in Oakland, California.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 11:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 01, 2006
As Real as You Want It To Be
Follower Timothy asks "Truthfully is this cult thing for real?"
Well Follower Timothy, I think you have answered that question for yourself by joining. If you joined, it must be for real - fake cults don't have you as a member, do they? Obviously there was something misssing from your life, something that could only be provided by Shinra. Otherwise, why would you have joined? Yes, there is the increased luck, wealth, and attractiveness to the sex of your choice that comes with membership, but would these have been enough to make you join? I think not.
I have no doubt that you will find Shinra to be everything you expected it to be - it always is, after all. I also have no doubt that you will soon be sending in a big cash donation, once you realize that without paying a penny your life has been improved. Imagine what will happen once you start sending money!
Posted by The Cult Leader at 09:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Thank You Follower Rob
This entry is all about praising loyal Follower Rob.
Follower Rob has been an example all of us with his devotion to Shinra and his steadfast, unwavering belief in the power of yeast.
Now he has gone a step farther. While it's not a fat cash donation, Follower Rob has given us something more precious (though less fungible) - his art. Out of the goodness of his heart, Follower Rob has sent miniature portraits of all the current members of Shinra. You can view them below.
What's this you say? These don't look like portraits of people? Oh ye of little faith. These are portraits of what Follower Rob believes we look like , and in our book, that's what matters. Maybe these portraits are perfectly accurate representations of the Mind Betens that inhabit our brains and drive us around like remote controlled cars. Maybe they accurately reflect what our souls will look like just before they are devoured by G'Gang-gi-for, Demon Lord of the 19th Realm. Maybe Follower Rob is just nuts. You don't know, and we aren't asking. Enjoy them for what they are. The originals are now on display in the Compound; in a location where laundry washing followers pass them regularly, and bow in obsequience as they carry their heavy, heavy loads.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 08:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 25, 2006
Why is There Shinra?
(Soon to be follower) Chris Severson asks "Why do you have a cult? Seems kind of odd...".
Well Chris, I can tell you that it's not for my health, that's for sure (although my health is excellent thanks to living by God's laws and/or alien breeding programs).
No Chris, I do it all just for you - not for any of my other followers, past, present, or future - I do it just for you, Chris.
You see, I know that you have questions. I can tell from the way that you put a question mark in your email that you want answers. Of course, it's not unusual, or wrong for you to have questions - sometimes it seems like everyone that sends in a question has at least one question. That's what makes you special - and vulnerable.
Of course, I can't promise you that I will always have all the answers. I do, however, promise that I will never let you know when I don't have the answers and that I will either make up something comforting, or ask you "What do you think about that Chris?" and then run with whatever answer you give.
Because that is the kind of personal, "just for you", savior/messiah/interplanetary livestock inspector that I am. Speaking of personal, Chris, the voices/alien transmissions tell me that you are a Residents fan and that you live not far from the compound. Given that, you should really consider a Full Membership or at least donate anything you have by The Residents on CD - everything I have is on vinyl. Nothing like eskimos chanting "Coke is it" to take the edge off.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 06:50 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
March 18, 2006
It Has Been Some Time
Since I have last been able to communicate. Due to the difficulties in transmitting information across vast galactic distances, the posts that I made via my Blackberry while visiting the Crab Nebula will not arrive here on Earth for 6,700 years, by which time I expect they may be slightly less relevant.
Regardless, I have returned to the Winter Compound, refreshed from my travels, and with new information on mankind's place in the universe, and with specific information on what it means for you, my followers, for whom I do it all.
i.will.smite.you at gmmail.com has written to say that he doesn't understand about the connection between Shinra and laundry. While I only have a minute to respond before once again negotiating the temporary re-closure of the planer rifts that threaten to spill unimaginable horrors into our dimension, I suppose this is a question worth putting that off for.
While most people think of laundry as a chore, something that needs to be done in order to have fresh, clean, mountain-spring-scented garments to wear, at Shinra, we look at laundry as a choice. Do you want to wear the stained, filthy, rags of yesterday, reeking as they do of your past failures and lost dreams? Or would you rather take the time to remove those stains? To scrubs, to rinse, to iron, and then starch your way into a better life?
For those that follow Shinra, the casual Febrezing of confession is not enough - we understand that only by pumping quarter after quarter into the washing machine of our faith (and dollar after dollar into the donation box) can we hope to make our whites as white as they can be, and our colors their boldest. Amen.
By the way, I need that robe back by Friday.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 14, 2005
Soon To Be Follower "KoralLeart" Asks...
"What do shinra do?"
An excellent (if grammatically challenged) question. What DO Shinra do?
In a nutshell, we love you, and we support you. Unlike other cults, religions, or your parents, we won't tell you what to believe, who to worship, or that you can't have the keys to the car until after you empty the garbage.
We don't judge - to all us beliefs are equal, just as all currencies are exchangable. Give us your money, and we will give you whatever else it is that you need*.
* Offer only includes things that don't cost anything, and aren't very hard. Offer void where prohibited.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 02:46 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
August 05, 2005
Guns?
Future follower Michael ask "Say, are there guns at the compound?".
Here at The Compound there is no need for guns. We are a peaceful (non-death, maybe sex if you're cute) cult.
I'm here to help my followers believe in whatever it is that they choose to believe in, while at the same time enriching myself spiritually (and financially). Gun are not something that fits into that philosophy.
That said, it should be noted that our Alien Masters have surrounded the earth with a cloud of orbiting particle beam weapons platforms capable of easily destroying any who would threaten us (other than them). At the same time the Implacable Pan-Dimensional Entities that we seek to bring into this reality through terrible rituals could turn up at any moment, putting the kibosh on any attempts at hostility towards us (and bringing about the destruction of all life as we understand it).
So really, having guns is kind of a moot point.
As far as the jumpsuits go, if your personal belief system dicates that you wear a jumpsuit then a jumpsuit you shall wear. I suggest a yellow one.
Next question.
Posted by The Cult Leader at 11:56 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 04, 2005
Rather ask "Why do I pee?"
Confused in Colorado asks the question "Why does it hurt when I pee?"
Asking this question shows that you are still mired in out-moded thought patterns. It's the sort of question I expect from a Scientologist* or a SubGenius**.
It's time to move beyond questions like "why does it hurt" and move on to questions like "Why do I still have to". The promise of Shinra is to move beyond the boundries and restrictions of our bodies (or at least the things about them that aren't any fun).
Rather than asking our alien overlords why it hurts to pee why not ask them to install an efficient recycling and filtration system directly into your abdomen that recycles waste fluids and provides you with a slow trickle of pure H20 through a tube routed directly back into the stomach? Instead of peeing you would simply undergo a surgical procedure to change the system's filter once a year.
That is the promise of Shinra.
* The Scientology answer would be "Because your urethra is clogged with body thetans - which can be removed for a price"
** The SubGenious answer to the question would be "Because you have an STD, or you are currently peeing on an electric fence"
Posted by The Cult Leader at 04:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack