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May 22, 2006

Who Do *WE* Think We Are?

Follower James writes:

What I believe is that you guys are a no good piece of waste. Quit trying to fool people into "channeling their funds" to your bank accounts. Who the hell do you think you are? Don't you think what your doing is bullshit? Can you not think of better ways to spend these precious moments than trying to scam people out of their hard-earned dollar? Now if I am wrong, please reply and enlighten me as to what you folks are.

These are all important questions James - even the parts of your email that are statements are important questions. Let's go through your email and see what we can do to help you understand the spiritual path that you have chosen, and how Shirna is going to help you down that path.

What I believe is that you guys are a no good piece of waste

Excellent James! Believing something, anything, is the first step on the long (and potentially cripplingly expensive) path to enlightment. While your statement is sufficient to gain you entry into Shinra, feel free to elaborate. What sort of waste do you believe us to be? Are you saying that all life on Earth may be the result of an alien spacecraft emptying it's lavatory tanks while surveying the Earth over 4 billion years ago? Or are you just saying that it's those of us in Shinra that have this superior Alien heritage? Maybe you are just saying when God created Adam that wasn't clay he was using, if you follow me. Any of these are great beliefs, and we would be happy to help you believe them, or anything else that you want.

Quit trying to fool people into "channeling their funds" to your bank accounts

James, we aren't trying to fool anybody into doing anything. At Shinra we believe that you must fool youself into doing it - otherwise we wouldn't be any different from any other snake-oil peddling religion.

Don't you think what your doing is bullshit?

Do you think that what we are doing is bullshit James? Because if you do/don't, then we will do everything in our power to prove that we are/aren't. We are here to support your spiritual growth, not to line our pockets; that's just an unintended, but unavoidable side effect.

Can you not think of better ways to spend these precious moments than trying to scam people out of their hard-earned dollar?

Of course we can James. Here at The Compound only a fraction of our resources are devoted to scamming people out of their hard earned dollars. Much, much more time is devoted to doing the Cult Leader's laundry. You would be amazed at both how dirty those robes can get, and how spotless they can become after a through cleaning. Hey! There's probably some sort of metaphor in there about souls or something!

Now if I am wrong, please reply and enlighten me as to what you folks are.

We would love to enlighten you about what we folks are James, but first we need you to look deep inside yourself (and your pockets) and tell us what we are (and how much money is in those pockets). After you tell us, then we can tell you - over and over until you believe it.

Posted by The Cult Leader at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 15, 2006

Where does Rob live?

Follower Chris, or maybe his alternate disassociated personality "Erek" asks "Where is Follower Rob?"

Chris/Erek - Rob like all of my followers, lives bathed in the light of truth. While his meat-shell may be located in the United Kingdom, that is irrelevant. What matters is that he believes in the power of yeast, and that because of that belief, and his willingness to express it, despite the left's current war on yeast, means that he lives in a very special and holy place.

I will do everything imaginable, and several things that are best left unimagined, in order to make sure that his belief in the power of yeast remains unshakable, not matter how many ACLU law suits attempt to remove monuments to Beer from courthouses, or how long protesters block the Red Star yeast factory in Oakland, California.

Posted by The Cult Leader at 11:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 01, 2006

As Real as You Want It To Be

Follower Timothy asks "Truthfully is this cult thing for real?"

Well Follower Timothy, I think you have answered that question for yourself by joining. If you joined, it must be for real - fake cults don't have you as a member, do they? Obviously there was something misssing from your life, something that could only be provided by Shinra. Otherwise, why would you have joined? Yes, there is the increased luck, wealth, and attractiveness to the sex of your choice that comes with membership, but would these have been enough to make you join? I think not.

I have no doubt that you will find Shinra to be everything you expected it to be - it always is, after all. I also have no doubt that you will soon be sending in a big cash donation, once you realize that without paying a penny your life has been improved. Imagine what will happen once you start sending money!

Posted by The Cult Leader at 09:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Thank You Follower Rob

This entry is all about praising loyal Follower Rob.

Follower Rob has been an example all of us with his devotion to Shinra and his steadfast, unwavering belief in the power of yeast.

Now he has gone a step farther. While it's not a fat cash donation, Follower Rob has given us something more precious (though less fungible) - his art. Out of the goodness of his heart, Follower Rob has sent miniature portraits of all the current members of Shinra. You can view them below.

What's this you say? These don't look like portraits of people? Oh ye of little faith. These are portraits of what Follower Rob believes we look like , and in our book, that's what matters. Maybe these portraits are perfectly accurate representations of the Mind Betens that inhabit our brains and drive us around like remote controlled cars. Maybe they accurately reflect what our souls will look like just before they are devoured by G'Gang-gi-for, Demon Lord of the 19th Realm. Maybe Follower Rob is just nuts. You don't know, and we aren't asking. Enjoy them for what they are. The originals are now on display in the Compound; in a location where laundry washing followers pass them regularly, and bow in obsequience as they carry their heavy, heavy loads.

Posted by The Cult Leader at 08:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack