(Soon to be follower) Chris Severson asks "Why do you have a cult? Seems kind of odd...".
Well Chris, I can tell you that it's not for my health, that's for sure (although my health is excellent thanks to living by God's laws and/or alien breeding programs).
No Chris, I do it all just for you - not for any of my other followers, past, present, or future - I do it just for you, Chris.
You see, I know that you have questions. I can tell from the way that you put a question mark in your email that you want answers. Of course, it's not unusual, or wrong for you to have questions - sometimes it seems like everyone that sends in a question has at least one question. That's what makes you special - and vulnerable.
Of course, I can't promise you that I will always have all the answers. I do, however, promise that I will never let you know when I don't have the answers and that I will either make up something comforting, or ask you "What do you think about that Chris?" and then run with whatever answer you give.
Because that is the kind of personal, "just for you", savior/messiah/interplanetary livestock inspector that I am. Speaking of personal, Chris, the voices/alien transmissions tell me that you are a Residents fan and that you live not far from the compound. Given that, you should really consider a Full Membership or at least donate anything you have by The Residents on CD - everything I have is on vinyl. Nothing like eskimos chanting "Coke is it" to take the edge off.
Huh.. I am a Residents fan. How can I start talking with the voices in your head?
Well of course you are a Residents fan. How is that for cold reading, John-freaking-Edward (http://www.johnedward.net )?!?! Note that there is nothing up my sleeve, and I have never met this man before.
The real question is, were you a Residents fan before I said you were, or did reality reconfigure itself to match my statement?
What do you think about that Chris?
As for communicating with the voices in my head and/or your alien masters it is simple - join us Chris. Surprisingly, the answers to your questions will turn out to be exactly what you were hoping they were, assuming your check clears.
We also take Paypal.
hehe.. well. I'm a Residents fan, but.. I am a fan of a lot of music. I don't know... I never told you my name and you guessed where I live. The Severson part is easy, it's in my email. Other than that, I have no personal information in my account as far as I can tell. I thought you might have done a reverse lookup of my email, which is yahoo, but when I tried I coudn't find anything. So.. please tell me, how'd you know my name? I don't think I came up with any answers for that one yet.
Oh ye of little faith.
I know so much about you because God has nothing better to do all day than watch what you do and relay that information to me. Or it's possible aliens have implanted a tracking device in your skull and provided me with a CPS (Chris Positioning System) receiver that I can use to follow you as you go about your daily business. I might just be going into a trance and directly reading this information from you. It's really up to you to tell me what you believe, and then I can help you believe it with all your heart.
It's also, and I hate to bring this up, up to yo to make a commitment to Shinra. To dig deep into your pockets, separate the lint, dirty tissues and old receipts from the paper money and the change and decide what kind of a future do you want for yourself?
Will you leave those piles there on the nightstand beside your stolen Gideon's bible and your stash of Swank magazines from 1996 (oh, to be 17 again)? Will you decide to fold your hand and keep your life on it's current track?
Or will you send one of them to me?
If it's the money pile you could be looking at a future of spiritual fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams.
If it's the lint/tissue/receipt pile you could be looking eternal damnation in it's red and possibly composite eye (unless there is a credit card number on one of those reciepts).
The choice is yours.
I don't know about all of that.. Money has little or nothing to do with spiritual fulfillment. Sun City Girls, now that's spiritual fulfillment.. do you want me to send you some cds? Mail me your address and I'll do what I can.
The Residents are god!
Chris - Of course you don't understand any of that, and I don't expect you to. All I expect is for you to open your mind, and your wallet, for the truths that I offer you. A personal, just for you, email is on it's way.
Allen - That sounds like a Believer membership to me! You are being added to the list.
lol.. you found out my name/location/musical preferences from last.fm didn't u? :D
Follower Chris,
If you want to believe that I found out about you from a website, you are certainly welcome to bnelieve that. As always, Shinra is here to help you believe that in anyway that we can - it's what we do.
It's possible that the alien masters that I serve pump all the information available on the Internet into me nightly, perhaps using some sort of probing utensil of indeterminate insertion. Maybe I was visited by arcane sages who revealed to me the website that I should visit to find this information about you. Maybe I Googled your email address.
That is not what's important. What is important is that you believe it, and that we help you do so, in any way that we can.
Think about it though - even if the information about your musical preferences was transfered to me by agents unknown, how is it that I actually knew anything about The Residents? Explain that one...and send your explanation, written on a $100 bill, to me.
(Ignore the fact that Shinra was founded in San Francisco - that certainly has no bearing on the situation).